School supplies, little league, Barbie dream house, oh my!

Since my children are both under the age of two, I often feel eager for their growing up. I am not saying that I want to miss out on their adorable baby and toddler moments, but I am going to be psyched when they are older and can do more fun things.

Having a daughter is great because I can break out the old Barbie stuff and play house with her, or rather, her brother can play these pretend games with her because they are so close in age. The costumes, oh the costumes! I am already working on a make-believe trunk for dress-up.

With my son, I am incredibly excited about when he wants to play little league or go boxcar racing. I am sure my daughter will be the same way, for two reasons

1. They are peers, and so they probably will want to take part in the same activities.

2.When I was a little girl, I loved doing everything my older brother did. Which probably explains my penchant for “dude” activities now.

I am also a huge school nerd. The very sight of school supplies makes me giddy beyond all reason. A new highlighter? mechanical pencils? and a three ring binder?!! so exciting. Don’t even get me started on my adoration for new backpacks. My point being, I can not wait until my children are old enough to go to school. The very idea of helping them with their homework brings me so much joy.

When I talk about these moments, and how I often feel they need to arrive much quicker, I realize that I should enjoy the times I have with them when they are babies. But the thing about babies is, they cry, they eat, they whine, they poop..all over the place! they puke and they keep me awake all night. So as adorable as they are, they are exhausting. It is great to see them in these stages of development. So innocent and sweet. When they start having relationship issues and ask me for money, I know I will look at these days fondly.

But I sure can’t wait until I have an excuse to go to the arcade.

Flashback from my own childhood: Hocus Pocus

There were a lot of dark, and relatively creepy, films of the 1980’s. But in 1993, Hocus Pocus brought back that trend of semi-frightening and inappropriate kid’s movies. Maybe they hadn’t received the memo that early 90’s were more about kids playing sports with humorous results.

This morning, I put on Hocus Pocus while getting ready for work in hopes that my son would be distracted while I got dressed and fed my daughter.

There are a few things that came to my immediate attention about Hocus Pocus

1. The concept of the lead kid being a virgin was completely expected and believable because, well he’s like 15 years-old. Oddly enough, everyone around him seems to question him like he’s Steve Carell or something. This is a Disney movie, isn’t a 15 year-old who has sex unheard of? and before you answer that, this was like 16 years before Miley Cyrus was a thing.

2. Vanessa Shaw was always the hot girl as a teenager, and she still looks great. It is nice to see that the object of Omri Katz and Jonathan Brandis (in Ladybugs) affection wasn’t unfounded, the girl was a perfect dream girl and still is. She should be in more things.

3. Thora Birch was adorable! remember when she was like the Dakota Fanning of the early 90’s? She was the go-to cute kid who could also act.

4. I don’t know whatever happen to Kathy Najimy, and I do not miss her one bit.

5. Sarah Jessica Parker is kinkier in this movie that she ever was on Sex and the City, actually she may even have Samantha beat. Requesting to dangle the young boy from a hook to “play with him”? wow.

6. Omri Katz, are you there? it’s me, your fan. He was only a fairly cute young man, and only normal-kid-actor talented, I mean not exceptionally so, but I really liked Omri Katz (Max). He was also on the 90’s show Eeri, Indiana, and a super odd movie by the name of Adventures in Dinosaur City.

7. It’s strange that Binx is voiced by Jason Marsden when he is a cat, but played by some other guy when he is in boy form. Jason Marsden was a television mainstay of the 90’s, Almost Home, Step by Step, Boy Meets World, Full House, I could go on forever. His voice has become emblazoned on my mind, and I find it comforting.

Final verdict: Hocus Pocus is still plenty entertaining, but not nearly as great as I remember it as a kid. Perhaps, I prefer the more dark overtones of 1996’s The Craft, when choosing a witch movie.

Mini-critics verdict: My son was not even remotely interested in this movie. He occasionally glanced at it, but held no attention whatsover. My 7 month-old daughter liked Binx the cat and seemed to be amused by Sarah Jessica Parker. We all go through that phase, I suppose.


Flashback from my own childhood

Since I have come to the conclusion that I am slowly turning my children into those weird retro kids, I decided to embrace it rather than avoid it.

I work in a very chill office, and my boss often has her 12 year old daughter come into the office when she has no where else for her to go. We have a huge plasma television that hangs on the wall. My desk is located in the perfect spot to get distracted by whatever the girl watches that day.

This particular 12 year old girl, which I assume is not very different from the typical 12 year old girl, likes watching “comedies” on the Disney channel and Nickelodean. She also watches an exhorbinant amount of childish cartoons which I find odd because when I was her age, I think the only animated show I watched was Daria. But I was also a jaded, sarcastic, 12 year old who thought she was better than everyone else.

Anyway, it occured to me that these shows are so over-the-top, colorful, actually blindingly colorful, and silly. I have to admit, sometimes, there is a fair amount of well written lines. As I told her how silly the shows were, it hit me! These shows are all just Saved by the Bell and California Dreams, and I ate those shows up every day. Hell, I still love watching reruns of Saved by the Bell, but who doesn’t?

Lately, I have been bombarding my nearly 2 year old son with shows and movies that I liked as a child, trying to get him away from the current favorites. Yes, it seems silly but my shows were just better! Well, that might not actually be true. I have decided to do a new feature by flashing back to shows and films that I watched as a child and taking a critical eye. As an adult, I can see how these forms of entertainment hold up over the years. My son’s input will also be important, he will be my little Owen Gleiberman. So stay tuned for far too much analysis involving kid’s shows and films of the 80’s and early 90’s!

Confessions of a mother, who is also a normal person.

The very title of this post seemed obvious, but I still had my reservations. There seems to have been an overwhelming amount of Confessions of a … There was the teenage drama queen, the call-girl, shopaholic (book and movie) sociopathic social climber (ill-fated post Party of Five, Jennifer Love Hewitt movie, although they were all ill-fated really) and I’m sure a plethora more that I cannot recall off-hand. So, I was trying to shy away from such triteness, and then I realized the amount of web traffic that I might stumble upon.

So here are a few things I admit as a mother, things that Parents magazine would frown upon. Sure hope the mommy mafia doesn’t come after my ass.

1. Gluten free is for pussies. I do not worry about corn starch or gluten. My kid will not be a vegan or vegetarian. If they choose to be, down the road, that is their choice, but I will not enforce it. I ate everything I wanted as a kid, Kudos bars, Pop-Tarts, whatever, and I turned out to be a very healthy adult.

2. Furthermore, allergies? So peanuts, well my kid loved peanuts. I gave it to him at a young age and he is still crazy for peanuts and peanut butter. The risk of choking could be seen as an issue, but seeing as my kid is not an idiot, if he chokes or is about to, he simply yanks the food from his throat. If he is unable to do it, I get in there. All is well, not the end of the world. I also feed him melon, tuna, and all of the other allergy no-nos for children under 2.

3. My son finds personal items of mine and tries to emulate mommy. He has opened a tampon and stuck it down his pants. He has found my vibrator, turned it on and said “ooooh, look”, he has also found a box of condoms, and chewed on one. The cutest and most innocent moments are when he walks in my heels or puts on my bra. He’s 23 months old, it’s all adorable.

4. I curse around my kids. When other people are around, I am totally hypocritical and tell them to watch their mouths, but when I am alone with my kids, it’s like a George Carlin routine.

5. I let my kids watch whatever they want. I have only one rule in my house, no “Two and a Half Men”. Well to broaden that statement, I don’t mind my kids watching something that is deemed inappropriate for kids. My major concern is quality, if something sucks and is just poorly made, I think that is going to negatively affect him much more than seeing Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal having fake sex.

6. I don’t miss my kids when I am out and I rarely like to talk about them. If I spend an evening with friends, I leave the kids with someone I trust completely, so I never have to worry about them. They are safe and having a good time, so why shouldn’t I? If someone asks me about how the kids are, I simply say that they are great, wonderful and perfect. That is all. I do not need to divulge sweet antidotes, or show them the latest pics of them doing something adorable. I know my kids are awesome, I don’t need to share it every chance I get.

7.When my son runs into walls, I crack up. If something is legitimately funny, I laugh.

8. My kids have received their vaccinations, and I never gave it a second though. Medicine is to help prolong life, scientists know their shit. Allowing your kids to get healthy through faith healing? come on, no seriously, come on.

Those are the things that I immediately think of, as being a little wrong. I am sure there are more, and I will share them in the future. Admit a politically incorrect thing you do as a parent.